Thank You Tinder

As Tinders time (I believe) is coming to an end, or maybe just an end in my life, I realize that I have a lot to thank Tinder for.  Because of that app, from my 21 year old self to now, I have dated a lot and learned a lot.

 It introduced me, and probably you, to a lot of assholes. But with all the bad Tinder has given us, the infamous app has changed dating and taught us all something.

Thanks to Tinder, I have had so many experiences that have allowed me to write this blog. So I will sum up my Tinder days with 3 guys that taught me a little about life.


Thanks to Tinder, I fell into an unconventional long distance relationship with what I thought to be the “perfect guy”… who inevitably hurt me. And “hurt” may be an understatement.

Tinder gave me my first real heartbreak, and I hope to never experience anything like it again.

Its cliche to say, but that awful experience made me stronger.

Heartbreak is a unique feeling that at the time I didn’t understand, so I struggled to cope with it.

This relationship taught me not to have so many expectations in a person. It taught me not to get caught up and obsessed over a guy, because it’s never worth it. No one is perfect. And no one is worth throwing everything into when they can so easily take it away in the matter of minutes.

Tinder took my virginity. Unfortunately to a guy that is the example of the type of guy not to date.

Tinder introduced me to a guy that would take advantage of my kindness. He would abuse and manipulate me and I let it be. At the time, I thought it was supposed to be like that. My kindness and understanding personality gave him the ability to do whatever he wanted, like cheat on me, right behind my back(literally). And my ignorance let him abuse the choices I had over my own body. Unintentionally, he taught me that I am beautiful, smart and strong, but that I was naive. No one should make you feel guilty for making a choice regarding your own body.

 

But thanks to Tinder I found someone that showed me a much better version of a guy.

Tinder gave me my first actual relationship, that just didn’t work out. He showed me how much I changed, and solidified my reasons on why I am so cautious and picky with letting people into my life romantically. He showed me what it is like when a guy actually likes you: No games, no chasing, no avoiding the relationship “status.”

He taught me that Tinder isn’t and will never be the place to find a boyfriend. Because if we are on tinder, we are lazy. We are on there because it’s simple and easy to find people. But relationships aren’t simple or easy. They require constant work and attention. You can’t delete relationships for a few weeks and come back when you feel like it, like you do with Tinder.

I must note, that other dating apps are somewhat successful because they require more work. Tinder is just simply too easy to set up compared to other apps.

My “finale” on of Tinder exhibited that for me a relationship and having a boyfriend is a big deal and I don’t take it lightly. If I invest in you, I will be loyal. Any yes, I expect there to be bumps in the road and I will work through them with you. The other person has to feel the same though. If problems arise in a relationship, you should work it out and fix them, not back out and break up. That’s just lazy.

So in the end, it makes sense that when finding a boyfriend or girlfriend via Tinder you are likely to get a “lazy” person. I can’t deny that I was being lazy and casual when looking for someone. I was scared to take it serious. But when it came down to being serious, I was ready. I committed.

I constantly wondered why men just seem to drop out of my life as if I didn’t matter. Without an explanation. Without a solid reason. One second everything’s fine and the next it’s over. The answers right above. Tinder is simple and people are lazy. They don’t want to try to fix things, they’d rather delete them.

In the past I have deleted the app and downloaded it again, multiple times.

This time I have to say I’m pretty confident I won’t be going back. My Tinder time is up. My hearts to big for that lazy app.

Despite all the upset that damn app has caused me, I can confidently say I am not that naive, clueless, innocent girl anymore. So thank you Tinder.

I hope you are enjoying my journey. ❤

At Last,

Brielle

Advertisements

Find Yourself

As I turned to adulthood, I thought to myself, that as we “adult”, we slowly ween off of our friends and nestle next to our future career and future life, possibly with a significant other.

We grow apart from our friends, as ourselves or our friends get married and start their own lives together.

I have always been independent. I have been someone who enjoys spending time with myself.  So when moving away, the last thing I thought about was losing friends and having to make new ones. I didn’t think that for the first time in my life, I wouldn’t have clubs and school as a way to make friends. I was on my own.

And not just make friends, But best-friends. People that are my “go-to” for everything. People who I never get sick of.

And(physically speaking) I lost those people.They are all on the west coast bathing in sunshine while I am watching the snow fall.

Left with no friends on the east coast, I made a wrong decision of turning to dating as a way to open up my social network.

Silly me.

It was my solution to having a “go- to” person and filling that void of loneliness. It also played into the idea that after college, people aren’t focused on my friends anymore but rather spending time with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I thought it was time to “settle down.”

I had high expectations and assumptions and they were all terribly wrong. 

After a bit of dating,  I met a great guy. But instead of it opening it up my network, it more of just limited me to my significant other. Sure, I met some people through him, but nothing ever flourish because I relied on him so much.

It’s not something that became unnoticed. I realized I was dependent on this one person. I definitely felt insecure about it. But it was really hard for me to do anything about it because I wanted him by my side.

It became a huge fear that if he were to rip the carpet out from under me and leave, I would be lost. 

Unfortunately the fear became reality. I did loose my only “go-to” person on the east coast. And it sucks.

Then again, its was probably the best thing for me. It kicked me in the butt to step out of my comfort zone more than I ever have.

I got another job that I had been debating about getting for months.

I joined a sports league that I wanted join but didn’t want to do it alone before.

I made new friends in super random places.

I learned how to maneuver around this new city that is now home.

And I pushed myself to go on dates with people because why not? Best way to get over a hangover is to drink more. Best way to get over someone is to date again.  Remember that there are plenty of other people out there that think you are a hottie!

I did this all in less than 3 weeks. 

Sure, I am positive I experienced an anxiety attack for the first time from all the change, but the dust settled and I realized that from this break up I became a better person. I realized that I needed to find my place in this new town by myself and through my own courage rather than with someone else by my side.

 

People always say after something bad happens you need to look at what you learned from the experience. It took me a few weeks to see what I learned.

Funny thing is, I was searching for something in my relationship.  The lessons of what not to do in my next relationship or what kind of guys not to date in the future. I didn’t learn anything about relationships though, I learned things about myself and life.

I have been told this so many times, but I never understood it until now.

A person can’t fix your life and give you the things you are missing, you have to fix it yourself.

And sometimes you need to be single and alone to be able to do that.

At Last,

Brielle

Ironically as I was trying to title this blog ..”Finding ‘something‘, this song came on. Figured it was fate to name it after this. Songs pretty relevant as well.

 

The Break-up

The moment when we realize we have grown stronger is a pretty awesome moment.

 

Every-time it is different. Some dramatic, some simple, and some filled with anger.

Some hurt because there is broken expectation. Or some hurt because there is betrayal. No matter what, they are always painful if you care for someone.

It’s a weird feeling of emptiness. There used to be this person in your life and all of the sudden they are gone, and you are left with this “hole like feeling” inside. Its an unique feeling to a break up. With that unique pain, a unique part of you is showcased. When I discovered that “unique person” I swore that I would never become “her” again.

I met my “psycho-self” three years ago when someone completely broke my heart.

I lost it.  I basically became the girl in all the movies. I cried. I begged. I got drunk. I brought myself to a new low, but  learned a lot in the painful process.

Everyone has to have a low to have a high though.

After I regained my sanity, I promised myself I would never go there again.

 

Here’s what I have learned.

1.In the midst of a break up moment, I learned to hold my feelings in the pit of my stomach. It saves the drama.

Sit there and listen without emotions taking over the conversation or emotions blocking your ability to speak.  When all is said and done, and that door closes, let your feelings emerge out of the pit of your stomach ..or not. Whatever happens behind closed doors is irrelevant.

 

2.I learned not to deal with gray areas. You don’t need that confusion. Don’t let anyone try to lead you on because they don’t know how to say the words or they don’t know how they feel. Thats their problem and not yours.

Don’t wait for someone to come around. Live your own life and evaluate your relationship. If they come back, cool. Maybe you will have seen that that relationship wasn’t right or maybe in that time you both realized you love each other. But don’t give a person the option to hang you on a string

3.I learned to stand tall, and calmly end it all. It makes you feel stronger., and makes it easier.(didn’t mean to rhyme lol)

4.I learned not to beg. You can’t beg someone to love you or care for you. It’s up to them to decide that. I thought to myself, “by not begging or trying to convince someone to stay with me, does it show that I don’t care?” No.

You have spent the last years or months convincing this person to feel something for you. This one moment won’t change things. —–Unless you fucked up. Then you better start begging.

5.I learned not to throw myself a pity party. Snap yourself out of it.

6.I learned you have to be understanding of someone’s feelings and that sometimes they don’t understand their own feelings. It relieves the anger aspect of it.

Probably the hardest thing to embrace in a break up is that there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes it just is.

7.I learned that being an emotional wreck doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. With every heart break we grow.

8.I learned to just breathe. Drink water. Don’t get a Kidney infection..not fun. 

It might be who I am, but when something knocks me down, I use that pain to come back stronger.  I push myself to change in some way for the better. Like getting a new job or throwing myself into work. Or joining clubs, moving, or traveling etc.

Its difficult. Someone that was a core part of your life, is gone, and you have to fill those spaces with yourself. 

At last,

Brielle

Start From Scratch Life

Like every college senior, I dreaded the question, “What are you going to do after graduation?” Well I gave myself a choice when I started thinking about it, move back with my parents or move far away.

I chose the latter.

I had a few reasons for my move. One being I tend to run away from my unhappiness. Somehow I think that traveling and moving will make things better. In some respect, it does. And in this respect, it did.

I can’t deny that California gave me the best friends that I love with all my heart. And honestly, I miss being surrounded by the best of the best people. But somehow my best friends weren’t enough to keep me in the “blue bubble” of California. Because, realist me, knows that as we grow older, life unfortunately becomes more about creating a life with someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with, rather than growing old with your best friend and living with a bunch of cats (or dogs).

It’s an odd truth that I have recently realized. Friends disappear into their relationships and then families are born. Things change.

This is not to stay that friends become irrelevant in your life, but they become less of your everyday. You aren’t in school with them anymore, and when you have a full-time job it’s hard to see them.

Your friends will always be part of your stability and health, that is a fact. But because my friends were making their own futures without me, I also needed to make my future.

So I moved away to create my own life.

There was always this feeling that I was looking for something more. A lot of time I thought I looked for it because I wanted to show my ex I was better than him. But as I found what I was looking for, I think I realized I just wasn’t happy with who I was.

It wasn’t that I wanted to be better for him, I just wanted to be better in general.

As I should. I have high standards for men and I have high standards for myself.

Somehow I found that “better” in the political hustle and bustle of our nations capitol, Washington D.C. And fell in love, with the city and myself. For the first time in my whole entire life I did things for me.

 

 

I don’t have any right to tell people how to live. I am who I am and you are who you are. But I will say that, moving and previously living abroad has changed me to be a better person. And in what other time in my life will I be able to so freely move across the country.

It’s not an easy thing to do.

I left my friends and my family.

I left my beautiful 1 year old niece, who will be bigger and bigger every-time I visit.

I left my parents who are getting older and I worry about them more than ever.

And I left my best friends, who are sometimes going through difficult times, and I would give the world to be able to sit there and be a shoulder for them to cry on.

With all that being said, sometimes you have to be selfish.

I moved to South Korea for year a few months after my father had his brain tumor taken out. It was one of the hardest decisions I could have made. I hated leaving my mom alone to take care of him and hated the thought that something bad could happen to my dad while I was away. But my sister looked at me and said, “sometimes you have to do things for yourself.” And I live every day of my life by that saying.

I’m on the east coast, a “start from scratch” life. It has a lot of room for opportunities and growth. With that being said, I couldn’t be happier.

At Last,
Brielle

He’s Insecure Too

Despite their arrogance and confidence men are insecure.

Of course everyone has their insecurities and are scared in some way. However, for men I find that their insecurities are what leads them to sleep around.

Men’s confidence had always had me believing that they were content with themselves. I finally realize that I have been lied to. I mean I think we all can agree that sex is intimidating putting yourself out there, all naked and vulnerable. You need some sense of confidence, but men don’t sleep around because they are confident. Rather its because they are insecure.

Men have insecurities and in order for them to gain affirmation they look to sex.

So for men, instead of looking for affirmation through words like “you aren’t fat” or “you are beautiful in that tux.” Men look for that affirmation via sex.

Sex allows men to connect with their dominate self and feel powerful. It lets them feel confident, and through a powerful means hear the words, or groans of a women, enjoying their company.

Women also gain confidence and confirmation from sex, but I think men rely on it more. And it could be one of the reasons men take so much pride in their bedroom abilities. It gives them confidence.

For many of us, we feel least confident after a break up.

Both sexes need assurance in themselves after ending a relationship, and many women find it through sex. But less often is it women that use sex for their confidence boost compared to men.
For instance, when a man breaks up with their significant other they tend to be a bit rebellious. While some women heal by reflecting and slowly regaining their confidence, men go out and sleep around.

 

Women are open about their insecurities because we are allowed to be. Society allows women to moan and groan about their thigh gaps and waist lines. Whereas for men, society tells you to shut up because you are a guy and you have to be confident. Or maybe its women that don’t like to hear about a mans insecurities because it makes them look weak. I believe both sexes put the idea of men vocalizing their insecurities down. Therefore, society doesn’t want to hear it.

I can’t say I am an expert on men or that this relates to every man out there. But I can tell you as human beings, all we want and need is love. We just want to hear words that affirm our worth. No matter the means

 

At Last,
Brielle

 

 

 

Is Monogamy Lost?

Every time a boy hurts me, for a brief second, I lose faith in them. But naturally the cycle continues and I meet another one.

But this time there hasn’t been one particular boy that hurt me. This time it is just the continuous stories and situations I hear or find myself in that have brought me to my lowest point of faith in boys. 

cheaters.

All of my best friends ex’s, that perfect guy at work, the random guy from that party, my long time best friend, my family friend, and some might say even their parents. At this point it’s like asking, “who hasn’t cheated?” And at this point, I am starting to question whether monogamy is possible? 

At some point will they cheat on you?

If your relationship is built from love, that love is destined to fade, OR change. If your relationship is built from trust and partnership, don’t you believe that it will last? Partnership allows individuals to survive, whereas a love relationship allows uncertainty and is forever changing.

For my House of Cards fans, think Of Claire and Frank Underwoods relationship. Its pure trust, love, and partnership.

In a open relationship you have your person that is your partner who you can rely on to be there for you in need and who will help you survive throughout life. They bring you joy and happiness. You trust them completely and you also love them. But there are billions of other people in the world that bring you joy too. Wouldn’t we like to experience all of the people who give us joy?

Maybe we are looking at love and relationships too narrow-mindedly. As if it is ‘this way’ or the highway aka nothing.

I may be a hypocrite and may be speaking out of my ass. But to me, on paper or in words, it makes sense. As primates, we searched for a mate in order to survive and procreate. So maybe it is still like that? Maybe our instincts should focus on survival and partnership.

However, in the actually world, whether or not I could actually actively achieve my words is another story. But I have opened my mind to something new and a new way of thinking, which I think is deeply beneficial.

I have been heartbroken to see so many people,( people I believed to be good people) cheat. I want to protect myself.

Maybe it is the difference between and man and boy, or girl and woman. Or maybe its just human nature to cheat. So maybe being open in your relationship is a real option.

 

At Last,

Brielle

The Side-Chick

As a girlfriend, the thought of your boyfriend cheating on you is the worst thought ever. And I’m not here to make it better. To be honest, he told me he wanted to be with me.

Not your boyfriend exactly, but some girls boyfriends have told me that. I am always shocked because I don’t expect that. Trust me, I don’t venture out to destroy your life. I am aware and cautious of my actions when I know a boy is taken. But I am just there, and somehow he thinks its a good idea to hit on me, kiss me, or straight up ask me out.

This particular person, I had known for a while. He is sweet, good looking, funny and he has been in a relationship for the past year and a half. Heck, I even met his girlfriend. To me though, he was perfect. He was the type of person I would dream of marrying… so I thought.  And he would have been the VERY last person I would have believed to cheat, until he asked me to be his side chick.

I am not kidding you. Those words, “side-chick” were literally used in our conversation.

I was baffled, astounded, any word to explain being shocked. The guy that seemed SO perfect to me, had liked me? and wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me?

It seemed like a grand old plan sneaking around with a hot guy, who I actually really got along with well.

But in reality, I could never bring myself to sleep around with someone who would screw over his girlfriend like that. I know that I am 10 million times better than being a side chick. I know that I deserve to be in a relationship, and not the girl who only gets the sex and not the actual commitment. So I told him that. Since he thought I was such a “great and amazing girl”, I said I deserved more than the role of a side chick.

I realized through all this, it is not the first time this has happened to me. Guys have cheated on their girlfriends with me before.

I’m sure it makes you feel shitty and insecure. And not to undermine your feelings, but It makes me feel pretty shitty too.

Sure, I got unwanted attention from your boyfriend. But that awesome (or shitty) guy you are dating, doesn’t like me. I am just a “thing” that is desirable to him. I’m not the person he wants to be with. I am the “thing” that is missing in his relationship. I am just the spark of excitement that he wants back in his own life. I am a reflection of what he needs.

I am literally nothing to him but a thing.

If he loved me first, we might have been happily together at this moment. But you met him first, and he’s yours. I might agree he’s handsome and sweet, but in no way do I want to date a guy that isn’t mine.

We are worth a lot more than he might think. I know I am a great girl and I deserve to be more than just a side chick and to be more than just a “thing” that he wants for a few nights or weeks. And you deserve a guy that wont cheat on you. We are all better than that