Thank You Tinder

As Tinders time (I believe) is coming to an end, or maybe just an end in my life, I realize that I have a lot to thank Tinder for.  Because of that app, from my 21 year old self to now, I have dated a lot and learned a lot.

 It introduced me, and probably you, to a lot of assholes. But with all the bad Tinder has given us, the infamous app has changed dating and taught us all something.

Thanks to Tinder, I have had so many experiences that have allowed me to write this blog. So I will sum up my Tinder days with 3 guys that taught me a little about life.


Thanks to Tinder, I fell into an unconventional long distance relationship with what I thought to be the “perfect guy”… who inevitably hurt me. And “hurt” may be an understatement.

Tinder gave me my first real heartbreak, and I hope to never experience anything like it again.

Its cliche to say, but that awful experience made me stronger.

Heartbreak is a unique feeling that at the time I didn’t understand, so I struggled to cope with it.

This relationship taught me not to have so many expectations in a person. It taught me not to get caught up and obsessed over a guy, because it’s never worth it. No one is perfect. And no one is worth throwing everything into when they can so easily take it away in the matter of minutes.

Tinder took my virginity. Unfortunately to a guy that is the example of the type of guy not to date.

Tinder introduced me to a guy that would take advantage of my kindness. He would abuse and manipulate me and I let it be. At the time, I thought it was supposed to be like that. My kindness and understanding personality gave him the ability to do whatever he wanted, like cheat on me, right behind my back(literally). And my ignorance let him abuse the choices I had over my own body. Unintentionally, he taught me that I am beautiful, smart and strong, but that I was naive. No one should make you feel guilty for making a choice regarding your own body.

 

But thanks to Tinder I found someone that showed me a much better version of a guy.

Tinder gave me my first actual relationship, that just didn’t work out. He showed me how much I changed, and solidified my reasons on why I am so cautious and picky with letting people into my life romantically. He showed me what it is like when a guy actually likes you: No games, no chasing, no avoiding the relationship “status.”

He taught me that Tinder isn’t and will never be the place to find a boyfriend. Because if we are on tinder, we are lazy. We are on there because it’s simple and easy to find people. But relationships aren’t simple or easy. They require constant work and attention. You can’t delete relationships for a few weeks and come back when you feel like it, like you do with Tinder.

I must note, that other dating apps are somewhat successful because they require more work. Tinder is just simply too easy to set up compared to other apps.

My “finale” on of Tinder exhibited that for me a relationship and having a boyfriend is a big deal and I don’t take it lightly. If I invest in you, I will be loyal. Any yes, I expect there to be bumps in the road and I will work through them with you. The other person has to feel the same though. If problems arise in a relationship, you should work it out and fix them, not back out and break up. That’s just lazy.

So in the end, it makes sense that when finding a boyfriend or girlfriend via Tinder you are likely to get a “lazy” person. I can’t deny that I was being lazy and casual when looking for someone. I was scared to take it serious. But when it came down to being serious, I was ready. I committed.

I constantly wondered why men just seem to drop out of my life as if I didn’t matter. Without an explanation. Without a solid reason. One second everything’s fine and the next it’s over. The answers right above. Tinder is simple and people are lazy. They don’t want to try to fix things, they’d rather delete them.

In the past I have deleted the app and downloaded it again, multiple times.

This time I have to say I’m pretty confident I won’t be going back. My Tinder time is up. My hearts to big for that lazy app.

Despite all the upset that damn app has caused me, I can confidently say I am not that naive, clueless, innocent girl anymore. So thank you Tinder.

I hope you are enjoying my journey. ❤

At Last,

Brielle

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The Break-up

The moment when we realize we have grown stronger is a pretty awesome moment.

 

Every-time it is different. Some dramatic, some simple, and some filled with anger.

Some hurt because there is broken expectation. Or some hurt because there is betrayal. No matter what, they are always painful if you care for someone.

It’s a weird feeling of emptiness. There used to be this person in your life and all of the sudden they are gone, and you are left with this “hole like feeling” inside. Its an unique feeling to a break up. With that unique pain, a unique part of you is showcased. When I discovered that “unique person” I swore that I would never become “her” again.

I met my “psycho-self” three years ago when someone completely broke my heart.

I lost it.  I basically became the girl in all the movies. I cried. I begged. I got drunk. I brought myself to a new low, but  learned a lot in the painful process.

Everyone has to have a low to have a high though.

After I regained my sanity, I promised myself I would never go there again.

 

Here’s what I have learned.

1.In the midst of a break up moment, I learned to hold my feelings in the pit of my stomach. It saves the drama.

Sit there and listen without emotions taking over the conversation or emotions blocking your ability to speak.  When all is said and done, and that door closes, let your feelings emerge out of the pit of your stomach ..or not. Whatever happens behind closed doors is irrelevant.

 

2.I learned not to deal with gray areas. You don’t need that confusion. Don’t let anyone try to lead you on because they don’t know how to say the words or they don’t know how they feel. Thats their problem and not yours.

Don’t wait for someone to come around. Live your own life and evaluate your relationship. If they come back, cool. Maybe you will have seen that that relationship wasn’t right or maybe in that time you both realized you love each other. But don’t give a person the option to hang you on a string

3.I learned to stand tall, and calmly end it all. It makes you feel stronger., and makes it easier.(didn’t mean to rhyme lol)

4.I learned not to beg. You can’t beg someone to love you or care for you. It’s up to them to decide that. I thought to myself, “by not begging or trying to convince someone to stay with me, does it show that I don’t care?” No.

You have spent the last years or months convincing this person to feel something for you. This one moment won’t change things. —–Unless you fucked up. Then you better start begging.

5.I learned not to throw myself a pity party. Snap yourself out of it.

6.I learned you have to be understanding of someone’s feelings and that sometimes they don’t understand their own feelings. It relieves the anger aspect of it.

Probably the hardest thing to embrace in a break up is that there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes it just is.

7.I learned that being an emotional wreck doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. With every heart break we grow.

8.I learned to just breathe. Drink water. Don’t get a Kidney infection..not fun. 

It might be who I am, but when something knocks me down, I use that pain to come back stronger.  I push myself to change in some way for the better. Like getting a new job or throwing myself into work. Or joining clubs, moving, or traveling etc.

Its difficult. Someone that was a core part of your life, is gone, and you have to fill those spaces with yourself. 

At last,

Brielle

He’s Insecure Too

Despite their arrogance and confidence men are insecure.

Of course everyone has their insecurities and are scared in some way. However, for men I find that their insecurities are what leads them to sleep around.

Men’s confidence had always had me believing that they were content with themselves. I finally realize that I have been lied to. I mean I think we all can agree that sex is intimidating putting yourself out there, all naked and vulnerable. You need some sense of confidence, but men don’t sleep around because they are confident. Rather its because they are insecure.

Men have insecurities and in order for them to gain affirmation they look to sex.

So for men, instead of looking for affirmation through words like “you aren’t fat” or “you are beautiful in that tux.” Men look for that affirmation via sex.

Sex allows men to connect with their dominate self and feel powerful. It lets them feel confident, and through a powerful means hear the words, or groans of a women, enjoying their company.

Women also gain confidence and confirmation from sex, but I think men rely on it more. And it could be one of the reasons men take so much pride in their bedroom abilities. It gives them confidence.

For many of us, we feel least confident after a break up.

Both sexes need assurance in themselves after ending a relationship, and many women find it through sex. But less often is it women that use sex for their confidence boost compared to men.
For instance, when a man breaks up with their significant other they tend to be a bit rebellious. While some women heal by reflecting and slowly regaining their confidence, men go out and sleep around.

 

Women are open about their insecurities because we are allowed to be. Society allows women to moan and groan about their thigh gaps and waist lines. Whereas for men, society tells you to shut up because you are a guy and you have to be confident. Or maybe its women that don’t like to hear about a mans insecurities because it makes them look weak. I believe both sexes put the idea of men vocalizing their insecurities down. Therefore, society doesn’t want to hear it.

I can’t say I am an expert on men or that this relates to every man out there. But I can tell you as human beings, all we want and need is love. We just want to hear words that affirm our worth. No matter the means

 

At Last,
Brielle

 

 

 

Is Monogamy Lost?

Every time a boy hurts me, for a brief second, I lose faith in them. But naturally the cycle continues and I meet another one.

But this time there hasn’t been one particular boy that hurt me. This time it is just the continuous stories and situations I hear or find myself in that have brought me to my lowest point of faith in boys. 

cheaters.

All of my best friends ex’s, that perfect guy at work, the random guy from that party, my long time best friend, my family friend, and some might say even their parents. At this point it’s like asking, “who hasn’t cheated?” And at this point, I am starting to question whether monogamy is possible? 

At some point will they cheat on you?

If your relationship is built from love, that love is destined to fade, OR change. If your relationship is built from trust and partnership, don’t you believe that it will last? Partnership allows individuals to survive, whereas a love relationship allows uncertainty and is forever changing.

For my House of Cards fans, think Of Claire and Frank Underwoods relationship. Its pure trust, love, and partnership.

In a open relationship you have your person that is your partner who you can rely on to be there for you in need and who will help you survive throughout life. They bring you joy and happiness. You trust them completely and you also love them. But there are billions of other people in the world that bring you joy too. Wouldn’t we like to experience all of the people who give us joy?

Maybe we are looking at love and relationships too narrow-mindedly. As if it is ‘this way’ or the highway aka nothing.

I may be a hypocrite and may be speaking out of my ass. But to me, on paper or in words, it makes sense. As primates, we searched for a mate in order to survive and procreate. So maybe it is still like that? Maybe our instincts should focus on survival and partnership.

However, in the actually world, whether or not I could actually actively achieve my words is another story. But I have opened my mind to something new and a new way of thinking, which I think is deeply beneficial.

I have been heartbroken to see so many people,( people I believed to be good people) cheat. I want to protect myself.

Maybe it is the difference between and man and boy, or girl and woman. Or maybe its just human nature to cheat. So maybe being open in your relationship is a real option.

 

At Last,

Brielle

The Side-Chick

As a girlfriend, the thought of your boyfriend cheating on you is the worst thought ever. And I’m not here to make it better. To be honest, he told me he wanted to be with me.

Not your boyfriend exactly, but some girls boyfriends have told me that. I am always shocked because I don’t expect that. Trust me, I don’t venture out to destroy your life. I am aware and cautious of my actions when I know a boy is taken. But I am just there, and somehow he thinks its a good idea to hit on me, kiss me, or straight up ask me out.

This particular person, I had known for a while. He is sweet, good looking, funny and he has been in a relationship for the past year and a half. Heck, I even met his girlfriend. To me though, he was perfect. He was the type of person I would dream of marrying… so I thought.  And he would have been the VERY last person I would have believed to cheat, until he asked me to be his side chick.

I am not kidding you. Those words, “side-chick” were literally used in our conversation.

I was baffled, astounded, any word to explain being shocked. The guy that seemed SO perfect to me, had liked me? and wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me?

It seemed like a grand old plan sneaking around with a hot guy, who I actually really got along with well.

But in reality, I could never bring myself to sleep around with someone who would screw over his girlfriend like that. I know that I am 10 million times better than being a side chick. I know that I deserve to be in a relationship, and not the girl who only gets the sex and not the actual commitment. So I told him that. Since he thought I was such a “great and amazing girl”, I said I deserved more than the role of a side chick.

I realized through all this, it is not the first time this has happened to me. Guys have cheated on their girlfriends with me before.

I’m sure it makes you feel shitty and insecure. And not to undermine your feelings, but It makes me feel pretty shitty too.

Sure, I got unwanted attention from your boyfriend. But that awesome (or shitty) guy you are dating, doesn’t like me. I am just a “thing” that is desirable to him. I’m not the person he wants to be with. I am the “thing” that is missing in his relationship. I am just the spark of excitement that he wants back in his own life. I am a reflection of what he needs.

I am literally nothing to him but a thing.

If he loved me first, we might have been happily together at this moment. But you met him first, and he’s yours. I might agree he’s handsome and sweet, but in no way do I want to date a guy that isn’t mine.

We are worth a lot more than he might think. I know I am a great girl and I deserve to be more than just a side chick and to be more than just a “thing” that he wants for a few nights or weeks. And you deserve a guy that wont cheat on you. We are all better than that

The Casual Relationship of this Generation

Previously posted on Mogul also:

https://onmogul.com/stories/the-casual-relationship-of-this-generation


There are a lot of things that we all criticize about dating today. It mostly revolves around commitment issues. People love to blame their ex for their broken heart and blame them for the way they are. So because of their ex, they can’t commit.

I fail to believe that this is the case.

Your ex isn’t the reason you don’t want to commit. You just want the fun without the stressors of a relationship. I can’t say I blame you. Relationships are stressful, and who needs them when we are young and beautiful. We can have whoever we want for the night. But you are the one who ignores the angel on your shoulder, and the others who listen to the angel…

 

 

A few drinks in…The devil says sleep with them, while the angel wakes you up in his or her bed the next morning saying you want a relationship and a future with someone.

Then there are other people who ignore the angel on their shoulder and listen to the little devil telling them that casual sex is exciting. The devil whispers to them telling them to escape into an emotionless, non-committable abyss.

I guess in today’s society sleeping around with people is normal? Its something “cool” people do.

Interestingly enough though, sleeping with someone and then listening to the angel on your shoulder and inevitably being rejected, isn’t the hurtful part. What hurts is when all of the people around you tell you that you are better than that. Obviously your girl friends are obligated to tell you that you’re amazing. But when all of your guy friends and even male co-workers look you straight in the eye and start telling you that you better than that, and him/her, it hurts you. Are they telling you, you don’t have the right taste in guys or girls?

If I am “amazing” and “the perfect girl that any guy would be lucky to have you,” why is he just sleeping with me?

It baffles me. Many girls and guys around me are great people. They are beautiful, smart, and fun yet their “significant other” won’t commit.

Maybe its the difference between men/women and boys/girls. But even that I am unsure of.

Maybe you have to do the 5 date rule before you sleep with him or her. But even that…

Maybe you have to act like you don’t care so he or she can chase you. But isn’t that childish?

Or maybe he or she just isn’t the right one. But that’s the hopeless romantic talking, who believes that one day prince charming will show up in her life. Childish?

I cant help but find hope in these situations though.

You slept them, so big deal. It probably wasn’t that great right?  Well he or she is just to caught up in societies norms blaming their ex’s for their destruction and addiction to casual relationships. He or she wasn’t able to see you were special. And you know what? That should make you want to show him or her and the rest of them that you are indestructible and you’re are going to be successful.  Show them all that you are a boss in your own life. Make those people that never saw your worth, regret not opening their eyes. Go make lots of money. Become a CEO of your future company or whatever you want in life. Be you and be happy.

At Last,

Brielle

The Truth About How You Become A Strong Woman After Heartbreak

Another one by me. Enjoy.

As read on Thought Catalog

http://tcat.tc/2eGep2K

 

Pride is stubborn. It refuses to let you understand your feelings. Some people have little pride and some people have a lot. Pride shows in different ways.  It can show in your pride to be right, your pride to work well, or your pride to love.

I have a lot of pride for being an independent person.

At that time I wouldn’t admit I was heartbroken. I tried to act like everything was ok, because what else are you supposed to do? People hurt you and you have to move on, but because I acted like I was fine on the outside and ignored what was inside of me and I started to deteriorate.

“I was fine,” I kept telling myself. Except I hadn’t been healthy for over 6 months.

I kept telling myself that I was “unlucky,” that I was continuously getting sick.

“I was fine.” I was getting sleep at night. I was laughing. I was eating healthy.

I wasn’t though.

My first true heartbreak fucked me up in every way possible.

I cried myself into a kidney infection. I continuously got colds. I suffered from a TMJ, which is built up stress in your jaw. I thought I was fine and healthy until I went to the dentist and nearly fainted. He told me my body couldn’t handle the stress.

I walked out of the dentist wondering why I was so overwhelmed. I was fine, so why was I sick and stressed?

Was it school? Was it work? Was it partying too much?

Although I’m sure they all played a part to the bigger picture, I had realized that I had been so upset because I was holding on to a relationship that just continuously hurt me.

I refused to admit to myself that a childish boy, who didn’t see my worth, broke me a million times again and again.

I refuse to admit that I was sick because I have always been a strong, independent woman, but I realized something.

You can’t be a strong, independent, and a healthy woman without being broken at least a few times.

Maybe this is cheesy, but take for instance, your immune system. You have to get sick so that you can build up your system. That way you are stronger for whatever the future might bring.

Just like your immune system, your heart has to endure heartbreak so that it can grow stronger for the next relationship.

I can’t say that being broken so many times will make the next heartbreak hurt less. It might hurt more. It’s the inevitable consequence or risk of sharing your heart with another. But at least maybe the next time you might handle yourself with more dignity or composure, or just willingness to understand you partner. Experience changes you. Sometimes it can hurt to morph into something new but things change to only improve ones life.