The Break-up

The moment when we realize we have grown stronger is a pretty awesome moment.


Every-time it is different. Some dramatic, some simple, and some filled with anger.

Some hurt because there is broken expectation. Or some hurt because there is betrayal. No matter what, they are always painful if you care for someone.

It’s a weird feeling of emptiness. There used to be this person in your life and all of the sudden they are gone, and you are left with this “hole like feeling” inside. Its an unique feeling to a break up. With that unique pain, a unique part of you is showcased. When I discovered that “unique person” I swore that I would never become “her” again.

I met my “psycho-self” three years ago when someone completely broke my heart.

I lost it.  I basically became the girl in all the movies. I cried. I begged. I got drunk. I brought myself to a new low, but  learned a lot in the painful process.

Everyone has to have a low to have a high though.

After I regained my sanity, I promised myself I would never go there again.


Here’s what I have learned.

1.In the midst of a break up moment, I learned to hold my feelings in the pit of my stomach. It saves the drama.

Sit there and listen without emotions taking over the conversation or emotions blocking your ability to speak.  When all is said and done, and that door closes, let your feelings emerge out of the pit of your stomach ..or not. Whatever happens behind closed doors is irrelevant.


2.I learned not to deal with gray areas. You don’t need that confusion. Don’t let anyone try to lead you on because they don’t know how to say the words or they don’t know how they feel. Thats their problem and not yours.

Don’t wait for someone to come around. Live your own life and evaluate your relationship. If they come back, cool. Maybe you will have seen that that relationship wasn’t right or maybe in that time you both realized you love each other. But don’t give a person the option to hang you on a string

3.I learned to stand tall, and calmly end it all. It makes you feel stronger., and makes it easier.(didn’t mean to rhyme lol)

4.I learned not to beg. You can’t beg someone to love you or care for you. It’s up to them to decide that. I thought to myself, “by not begging or trying to convince someone to stay with me, does it show that I don’t care?” No.

You have spent the last years or months convincing this person to feel something for you. This one moment won’t change things. —–Unless you fucked up. Then you better start begging.

5.I learned not to throw myself a pity party. Snap yourself out of it.

6.I learned you have to be understanding of someone’s feelings and that sometimes they don’t understand their own feelings. It relieves the anger aspect of it.

Probably the hardest thing to embrace in a break up is that there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes it just is.

7.I learned that being an emotional wreck doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. With every heart break we grow.

8.I learned to just breathe. Drink water. Don’t get a Kidney infection..not fun. 

It might be who I am, but when something knocks me down, I use that pain to come back stronger.  I push myself to change in some way for the better. Like getting a new job or throwing myself into work. Or joining clubs, moving, or traveling etc.

Its difficult. Someone that was a core part of your life, is gone, and you have to fill those spaces with yourself. 

At last,



Is Monogamy Lost?

Every time a boy hurts me, for a brief second, I lose faith in them. But naturally the cycle continues and I meet another one.

But this time there hasn’t been one particular boy that hurt me. This time it is just the continuous stories and situations I hear or find myself in that have brought me to my lowest point of faith in boys. 


All of my best friends ex’s, that perfect guy at work, the random guy from that party, my long time best friend, my family friend, and some might say even their parents. At this point it’s like asking, “who hasn’t cheated?” And at this point, I am starting to question whether monogamy is possible? 

At some point will they cheat on you?

If your relationship is built from love, that love is destined to fade, OR change. If your relationship is built from trust and partnership, don’t you believe that it will last? Partnership allows individuals to survive, whereas a love relationship allows uncertainty and is forever changing.

For my House of Cards fans, think Of Claire and Frank Underwoods relationship. Its pure trust, love, and partnership.

In a open relationship you have your person that is your partner who you can rely on to be there for you in need and who will help you survive throughout life. They bring you joy and happiness. You trust them completely and you also love them. But there are billions of other people in the world that bring you joy too. Wouldn’t we like to experience all of the people who give us joy?

Maybe we are looking at love and relationships too narrow-mindedly. As if it is ‘this way’ or the highway aka nothing.

I may be a hypocrite and may be speaking out of my ass. But to me, on paper or in words, it makes sense. As primates, we searched for a mate in order to survive and procreate. So maybe it is still like that? Maybe our instincts should focus on survival and partnership.

However, in the actually world, whether or not I could actually actively achieve my words is another story. But I have opened my mind to something new and a new way of thinking, which I think is deeply beneficial.

I have been heartbroken to see so many people,( people I believed to be good people) cheat. I want to protect myself.

Maybe it is the difference between and man and boy, or girl and woman. Or maybe its just human nature to cheat. So maybe being open in your relationship is a real option.


At Last,


The Side-Chick

As a girlfriend, the thought of your boyfriend cheating on you is the worst thought ever. And I’m not here to make it better. To be honest, he told me he wanted to be with me.

Not your boyfriend exactly, but some girls boyfriends have told me that. I am always shocked because I don’t expect that. Trust me, I don’t venture out to destroy your life. I am aware and cautious of my actions when I know a boy is taken. But I am just there, and somehow he thinks its a good idea to hit on me, kiss me, or straight up ask me out.

This particular person, I had known for a while. He is sweet, good looking, funny and he has been in a relationship for the past year and a half. Heck, I even met his girlfriend. To me though, he was perfect. He was the type of person I would dream of marrying… so I thought.  And he would have been the VERY last person I would have believed to cheat, until he asked me to be his side chick.

I am not kidding you. Those words, “side-chick” were literally used in our conversation.

I was baffled, astounded, any word to explain being shocked. The guy that seemed SO perfect to me, had liked me? and wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me?

It seemed like a grand old plan sneaking around with a hot guy, who I actually really got along with well.

But in reality, I could never bring myself to sleep around with someone who would screw over his girlfriend like that. I know that I am 10 million times better than being a side chick. I know that I deserve to be in a relationship, and not the girl who only gets the sex and not the actual commitment. So I told him that. Since he thought I was such a “great and amazing girl”, I said I deserved more than the role of a side chick.

I realized through all this, it is not the first time this has happened to me. Guys have cheated on their girlfriends with me before.

I’m sure it makes you feel shitty and insecure. And not to undermine your feelings, but It makes me feel pretty shitty too.

Sure, I got unwanted attention from your boyfriend. But that awesome (or shitty) guy you are dating, doesn’t like me. I am just a “thing” that is desirable to him. I’m not the person he wants to be with. I am the “thing” that is missing in his relationship. I am just the spark of excitement that he wants back in his own life. I am a reflection of what he needs.

I am literally nothing to him but a thing.

If he loved me first, we might have been happily together at this moment. But you met him first, and he’s yours. I might agree he’s handsome and sweet, but in no way do I want to date a guy that isn’t mine.

We are worth a lot more than he might think. I know I am a great girl and I deserve to be more than just a side chick and to be more than just a “thing” that he wants for a few nights or weeks. And you deserve a guy that wont cheat on you. We are all better than that

To Forget You First Must Forgive


“Forgive and forget.”

I never really thought much of the cliché saying. I had heard it in songs and movies over and over again, and yet, I could never grasp the idea.

How could you forgive someone that brought you so much pain?

But it just so happened that one night, as my imagination was running free, I finally understood that famous saying. It took me 6 months, but my vivid imagination led me to discover the method on how to let him go. So let me tell you my secret.

We fought and disagreed even after our break up. I was frustrated out of my mind, and we weren’t communicating. Conversations (those things that help people communicate) didn’t help us to salvage our relationship. Our texts just made it all worse. We should of just left it, but we didn’t. I was so frustrated and hurt that I lost all communication skills I had ever learned. I resorted to anger and unneeded snarky comments to deal with the pain. And he just shut off. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. That’s not who I am though. I hate to fight and argue. Especially when it only brings pain.

It finally all ended.

I thought that not talking would help me part ways with him. I thought that deleting him on social media would help. I thought that getting drunk almost every night might ease the pain. I came to realize that none of those methods fixed my broken heart.

After all this, for months after, I held onto this person and I can tell you why.

My snarky comments still resided inside me. I was still bitter and upset about what had happened and that was causing me to hold on to him. I had forgiven him for the choice he made to end our relationship. I respected that decision in the end.But I hadn’t forgiven him for hurting me as a result of not knowing what he wanted. I also didn’t forgive him for moving on. Because I was stuck to pick up the pieces by myself.


That night when my imagination was running free, I realized that if I ever saw him again or if he ever attempted to talk to me again, I would only have mean and angry words to say to him. I would pick up right where we left off. Reiterating the same comments. Why though? That would put us right back where we were before.

“To forget, you must forgive.”

Not that I planned on seeing or talking to this person again, but I needed to forgive him.

It’s a simple concept, but not easy to do.

It took me more than 6 months to understand how to forgive a boy that basically broke me like no one had before. And even still I can’t say I completely forgive him. I am working on it. It takes time. But I was done spending everyday reminiscing about what had happened and what went wrong.

You can’t remove yourself from a situation while your emotions are racing and on fire. You can’t evaluate your relationship until you have taken the time to understand it. Back then, I may have believed I had taken myself out of the upsetting situation, but I hadn’t. Removing myself from the war between us took me more than 8 months.

I was falling in love with someone and they hurt me. Sure. I won’t trust him or love him the same way ever again, but I can forgive him for the sake of myself.

If I ever talk to him again, I would throw away my pride for that one-minute and say, “I’m sorry.”

I wouldn’t expect anything in return, because in the end, at least I know I was the bigger person and I learned something for myself.

Why Do They Lead Us On?


I wrote a blog last year about reading the signs in a relationship. Although all the signs that person is committed are present in the relationship, it doesn’t always mean that they are really committed to you.

For myself when I go through hard times, I’ll mass read blogs.

I read a lot last year.

A lot would make claims such as…. “if they make future plans with you, they are committed.”

Or “if they meet your parents, it means they are committed.”

But honestly, all of that that doesn’t mean anything.

In retrospect, you will never know if they are committed.

Sometimes they just lead you on.

I’d like to think people are more human than to do it purposely, but people surprise me. And I’ve come to my own conclusion. There are two reasons why they would do such a thing…

Reason One:

They love the attention. They like to have you around because you give them what they want. They don’t have to fight for a reply from you. Most likely you are sitting by your phone waiting for their text. They love that you happen to be conveniently there. Maybe it’s for a good fuck or for a compliment that they have been wanting. Or they just love the idea of someone being goggly eyed over them.

Reason Two:

They love being around you, but they cant be with you. Whether its because of distance or some insecurity they might have; they continually lead you on because they don’t know what they want. This is the worst. Because they love you and treat you just like they would treat their significant other. They commit to you in one way, but refuse to commit to a relationship with you. In the end, both of you have wasted your time and energy on a relationship that was never going to go places.

If someone is honest with their feelings, then a person has no excuse to lead another person on. If someone doesn’t know what they want, then honestly they need to figure out their life before they bring someone else into it, because it will only be a shit show for the both of you.


At Last,



I am Not Writing an Open Letter to Say ‘Thank You’ to You

Did not mean to take this picture starring at a couple, but it happened..hahaha

If you read blogs often, especially relationship blogs, you’ll see that the latest trend is writing a open letter to the person you fell for and/or hurt you.

The point of these posts is to say Thank you for teaching me (my worth, how you shouldn’t treat a person, how to let go..etc.) In a nutshell you are saying, “you did all these horrible things to me, but you taught me something in the end, so thank you.”

Unfortunately, I can’t write a letter to say thank you to him.

I can’t write a letter to that boy that didn’t treat me right.

I can’t right a letter to that boy who just wanted me for my body.

And I can’t right a letter to say thank you to that boy that really hurt me, because I have nothing to thank that boy for except the memories.

I honestly didn’t learn anything for future dating.

In the past, I have seen the red flags while talking or dating someone, but like many of us, I pushed them aside.

Guys i’ve talked to would message me only when convenient.

They would only flirt with me, instead of wanting to get to know me.

They would bail on dates.

To those mere flings, I could probably say “Thank you”. They taught me that I’m worth more than a just few minutes out of someones day.

But then I met someone who actually cared…

He didn’t call or text me at 3am or only when convenient.

He never used me for my body. Although, he couldn’t even if he wanted too due to distance.

He didn’t ignore my texts.

He gave me the time in his day.

He treated me perfect, like someone should if they really liked you.

Until……… he just ended it.

I’ve sat here for 4 months trying to figure out what went wrong and where the red flag was. The problem was, there was none.

Maybe perfection was the red flag?

I thought everything was going well and everything was perfect, until one day, out of no where BOOM, he crumbled everything.

Now, our bobbled and botched not even friendship is the complete opposite.

Full of ignoring, convenience, no time given, and not caring.

How could someone just change?

I’d love for this post to feature advice for your similar situation, but it can’t.

I’ve been longing for an explanation because I deserve that much. But I’ve finally given up on trying to figure it out because people will do what they want, when they want.

It’s definitely not easy, but sometimes we have to bury the idea that there’s always an explanation.

It took me 4 months filled with tears and frustrations to understand this. Until finally,I lost the energy to try to understand someone.

If someone truly wants you they will do anything to get you. No matter what stands in the way.

Maybe that is what I learned and experienced?

I will continue to live by these philosophies in life because they really are what get me through the hard times.

If its meant to be it will be.

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, more than likely its shit.

 At Last,


All the Signs were Right and I was Still Wrong


We become pathetic when we try to find truth in the littlest things. Are you just being friendly or are you having feelings? Gray areas are not fun.

They texted me first, they must still like me.

They acted like they were jealous, obviously they still like me.

They do this and they do that, of course they still have feelings!

I’ve been there. And I know that even I feel ridiculous when I start thinking like that, but I still do it. Not because I am a girl,but because I am a human being.

When you start reading into the signs, things seem to make sense in your twisted mind.

I mean If someone doesn’t care about you anymore, why do they make the effort to stay in your life? You don’t want sex but you want to be friends? Well What’s the point of being friends when you can’t even have a normal conversation with them anymore?

As hard as it is to refrain yourself from reading the signs, just don’t step into that gray area.  Just stop and simply be direct. Do you or do you not?

Then you can comfortably step over the gray area and move on. Honest. Straight forward. From my own experiences and from being observant of others, just simply be direct. Honesty is important in any relationship.

I might be slightly venting on my own situation.

I got caught up in reading the signs instead of just simply asking.

I made a mistake.

I wish I would have known.

I wish someone would have told me to just ask. I mean plenty of people told me to walk away and forget him, which isn’t easy when you have hope.

So I held on, until today. I decided I was over the unknown and I would just ask, “Do you have feelings for me still?” After a month of reading signs and almost being positive he still had feelings, I discovered the answer.

You can probably guess the answer I received.

Rather than being sad I lost him (because I think I knew I lost him on that day two months ago) I was scared instead.  And it wasn’t the fear of being alone.

He gave me all the signs of being into me. We planned a future. Inviting me to  New York City with his sister in 4 months, taking trips together around Europe, buying a ticket to come see me (and yes he bought it), he called me almost every morning, and facetimed me every week despite his busy schedule. He didn’t just say he would do something, but he did it. He treated me well.He put effort into our relationship.

Then literally within a day he realized he didn’t have feelings anymore.

I sat there crying, and I wasn’t necessarily crying because I lost him, but rather because how am I supposed to know if someone is committed?

He gave me all the signs, and even with that, I ended up being wrong. I gave my all into this person, I was optimistic about our future and all the sudden he just left me. That scares me to death and makes me never want to fall for anyone ever again.

Love makes us pathetic. Which is not a bad thing! Love makes us vulnerable and that can make us feel pathetic sometimes. If you don’t feel vulnerable then you aren’t doing love right. I mean relationships are about complete honesty. I was completely honest in my relationship and I don’t regret anything because of that. There is nothing I could have done to keep him because I didn’t do anything wrong. I was completely me, and although I have flaws, I believe i am perfect in my own way.

At Last,