The Break-up

The moment when we realize we have grown stronger is a pretty awesome moment.


Every-time it is different. Some dramatic, some simple, and some filled with anger.

Some hurt because there is broken expectation. Or some hurt because there is betrayal. No matter what, they are always painful if you care for someone.

It’s a weird feeling of emptiness. There used to be this person in your life and all of the sudden they are gone, and you are left with this “hole like feeling” inside. Its an unique feeling to a break up. With that unique pain, a unique part of you is showcased. When I discovered that “unique person” I swore that I would never become “her” again.

I met my “psycho-self” three years ago when someone completely broke my heart.

I lost it.  I basically became the girl in all the movies. I cried. I begged. I got drunk. I brought myself to a new low, but  learned a lot in the painful process.

Everyone has to have a low to have a high though.

After I regained my sanity, I promised myself I would never go there again.


Here’s what I have learned.

1.In the midst of a break up moment, I learned to hold my feelings in the pit of my stomach. It saves the drama.

Sit there and listen without emotions taking over the conversation or emotions blocking your ability to speak.  When all is said and done, and that door closes, let your feelings emerge out of the pit of your stomach ..or not. Whatever happens behind closed doors is irrelevant.


2.I learned not to deal with gray areas. You don’t need that confusion. Don’t let anyone try to lead you on because they don’t know how to say the words or they don’t know how they feel. Thats their problem and not yours.

Don’t wait for someone to come around. Live your own life and evaluate your relationship. If they come back, cool. Maybe you will have seen that that relationship wasn’t right or maybe in that time you both realized you love each other. But don’t give a person the option to hang you on a string

3.I learned to stand tall, and calmly end it all. It makes you feel stronger., and makes it easier.(didn’t mean to rhyme lol)

4.I learned not to beg. You can’t beg someone to love you or care for you. It’s up to them to decide that. I thought to myself, “by not begging or trying to convince someone to stay with me, does it show that I don’t care?” No.

You have spent the last years or months convincing this person to feel something for you. This one moment won’t change things. —–Unless you fucked up. Then you better start begging.

5.I learned not to throw myself a pity party. Snap yourself out of it.

6.I learned you have to be understanding of someone’s feelings and that sometimes they don’t understand their own feelings. It relieves the anger aspect of it.

Probably the hardest thing to embrace in a break up is that there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes it just is.

7.I learned that being an emotional wreck doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. With every heart break we grow.

8.I learned to just breathe. Drink water. Don’t get a Kidney infection..not fun. 

It might be who I am, but when something knocks me down, I use that pain to come back stronger.  I push myself to change in some way for the better. Like getting a new job or throwing myself into work. Or joining clubs, moving, or traveling etc.

Its difficult. Someone that was a core part of your life, is gone, and you have to fill those spaces with yourself. 

At last,



Is Monogamy Lost?

Every time a boy hurts me, for a brief second, I lose faith in them. But naturally the cycle continues and I meet another one.

But this time there hasn’t been one particular boy that hurt me. This time it is just the continuous stories and situations I hear or find myself in that have brought me to my lowest point of faith in boys. 


All of my best friends ex’s, that perfect guy at work, the random guy from that party, my long time best friend, my family friend, and some might say even their parents. At this point it’s like asking, “who hasn’t cheated?” And at this point, I am starting to question whether monogamy is possible? 

At some point will they cheat on you?

If your relationship is built from love, that love is destined to fade, OR change. If your relationship is built from trust and partnership, don’t you believe that it will last? Partnership allows individuals to survive, whereas a love relationship allows uncertainty and is forever changing.

For my House of Cards fans, think Of Claire and Frank Underwoods relationship. Its pure trust, love, and partnership.

In a open relationship you have your person that is your partner who you can rely on to be there for you in need and who will help you survive throughout life. They bring you joy and happiness. You trust them completely and you also love them. But there are billions of other people in the world that bring you joy too. Wouldn’t we like to experience all of the people who give us joy?

Maybe we are looking at love and relationships too narrow-mindedly. As if it is ‘this way’ or the highway aka nothing.

I may be a hypocrite and may be speaking out of my ass. But to me, on paper or in words, it makes sense. As primates, we searched for a mate in order to survive and procreate. So maybe it is still like that? Maybe our instincts should focus on survival and partnership.

However, in the actually world, whether or not I could actually actively achieve my words is another story. But I have opened my mind to something new and a new way of thinking, which I think is deeply beneficial.

I have been heartbroken to see so many people,( people I believed to be good people) cheat. I want to protect myself.

Maybe it is the difference between and man and boy, or girl and woman. Or maybe its just human nature to cheat. So maybe being open in your relationship is a real option.


At Last,


The Side-Chick

As a girlfriend, the thought of your boyfriend cheating on you is the worst thought ever. And I’m not here to make it better. To be honest, he told me he wanted to be with me.

Not your boyfriend exactly, but some girls boyfriends have told me that. I am always shocked because I don’t expect that. Trust me, I don’t venture out to destroy your life. I am aware and cautious of my actions when I know a boy is taken. But I am just there, and somehow he thinks its a good idea to hit on me, kiss me, or straight up ask me out.

This particular person, I had known for a while. He is sweet, good looking, funny and he has been in a relationship for the past year and a half. Heck, I even met his girlfriend. To me though, he was perfect. He was the type of person I would dream of marrying… so I thought.  And he would have been the VERY last person I would have believed to cheat, until he asked me to be his side chick.

I am not kidding you. Those words, “side-chick” were literally used in our conversation.

I was baffled, astounded, any word to explain being shocked. The guy that seemed SO perfect to me, had liked me? and wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me?

It seemed like a grand old plan sneaking around with a hot guy, who I actually really got along with well.

But in reality, I could never bring myself to sleep around with someone who would screw over his girlfriend like that. I know that I am 10 million times better than being a side chick. I know that I deserve to be in a relationship, and not the girl who only gets the sex and not the actual commitment. So I told him that. Since he thought I was such a “great and amazing girl”, I said I deserved more than the role of a side chick.

I realized through all this, it is not the first time this has happened to me. Guys have cheated on their girlfriends with me before.

I’m sure it makes you feel shitty and insecure. And not to undermine your feelings, but It makes me feel pretty shitty too.

Sure, I got unwanted attention from your boyfriend. But that awesome (or shitty) guy you are dating, doesn’t like me. I am just a “thing” that is desirable to him. I’m not the person he wants to be with. I am the “thing” that is missing in his relationship. I am just the spark of excitement that he wants back in his own life. I am a reflection of what he needs.

I am literally nothing to him but a thing.

If he loved me first, we might have been happily together at this moment. But you met him first, and he’s yours. I might agree he’s handsome and sweet, but in no way do I want to date a guy that isn’t mine.

We are worth a lot more than he might think. I know I am a great girl and I deserve to be more than just a side chick and to be more than just a “thing” that he wants for a few nights or weeks. And you deserve a guy that wont cheat on you. We are all better than that

The Casual Relationship of this Generation

Previously posted on Mogul also:

There are a lot of things that we all criticize about dating today. It mostly revolves around commitment issues. People love to blame their ex for their broken heart and blame them for the way they are. So because of their ex, they can’t commit.

I fail to believe that this is the case.

Your ex isn’t the reason you don’t want to commit. You just want the fun without the stressors of a relationship. I can’t say I blame you. Relationships are stressful, and who needs them when we are young and beautiful. We can have whoever we want for the night. But you are the one who ignores the angel on your shoulder, and the others who listen to the angel…



A few drinks in…The devil says sleep with them, while the angel wakes you up in his or her bed the next morning saying you want a relationship and a future with someone.

Then there are other people who ignore the angel on their shoulder and listen to the little devil telling them that casual sex is exciting. The devil whispers to them telling them to escape into an emotionless, non-committable abyss.

I guess in today’s society sleeping around with people is normal? Its something “cool” people do.

Interestingly enough though, sleeping with someone and then listening to the angel on your shoulder and inevitably being rejected, isn’t the hurtful part. What hurts is when all of the people around you tell you that you are better than that. Obviously your girl friends are obligated to tell you that you’re amazing. But when all of your guy friends and even male co-workers look you straight in the eye and start telling you that you better than that, and him/her, it hurts you. Are they telling you, you don’t have the right taste in guys or girls?

If I am “amazing” and “the perfect girl that any guy would be lucky to have you,” why is he just sleeping with me?

It baffles me. Many girls and guys around me are great people. They are beautiful, smart, and fun yet their “significant other” won’t commit.

Maybe its the difference between men/women and boys/girls. But even that I am unsure of.

Maybe you have to do the 5 date rule before you sleep with him or her. But even that…

Maybe you have to act like you don’t care so he or she can chase you. But isn’t that childish?

Or maybe he or she just isn’t the right one. But that’s the hopeless romantic talking, who believes that one day prince charming will show up in her life. Childish?

I cant help but find hope in these situations though.

You slept them, so big deal. It probably wasn’t that great right?  Well he or she is just to caught up in societies norms blaming their ex’s for their destruction and addiction to casual relationships. He or she wasn’t able to see you were special. And you know what? That should make you want to show him or her and the rest of them that you are indestructible and you’re are going to be successful.  Show them all that you are a boss in your own life. Make those people that never saw your worth, regret not opening their eyes. Go make lots of money. Become a CEO of your future company or whatever you want in life. Be you and be happy.

At Last,


The Misconception of Heartbreak

There’s a misconception about heart break.

My friend came to me after breaking up with her boyfriend. She was heartbroken, obviously. She told me, “You don’t understand what it’s like to go through heartbreak.”

Little did she know I probably had just gone through the worst heartbreak of my life. It may not have been the kind she was thinking of, but it was definitely devastating. My dream university hadn’t accepted me. The university I had worked my ass off to get into for the past 2 years denied me. I had never put my whole heart and worked so hard for anything before. I was told I had an almost guaranteed entry. My application was amazing, so what went wrong? I still couldn’t tell you, but in that one email I had came to realization that my expectations and plans had just crumbled to wastes…

We are sorry to inform you that you were not accepted..”

That was true heartbreak. Tears don’t justify how hurt you are, but I cried for weeks. Its hard even go to the same part of town anywhere near that university because it hurts. Its like avoiding your ex’s house! The hardest part was accepting and moving on, like after any heartbreak. I’m trying to adapt and be optimistic everyday.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

Heartache isn’t just something we experience with the ending of an a relationship. It something we experience when we have expectation. Heartbreak is when we expect and have hope in something or someone. And I don’t think its fair to undermine anyones heartbreak. No matter what, it hurts.

At Last,


10 Things I’ve Learned Since Being Single and Why It Can Be Amazing

I blame all those Korean dramas and rom-com’s for making me believe in perfection…but I am happy as the independent women! Being single can be so awesome and it can suck sometimes. I feel like a lot of people look down on being single, but honestly, its amazing. I have learned a lot being on my own!
It has been enlightening to me, so here are the things I have learned so far as a single girl.

  1. I have discovered myself. I know what I want to do now and have found the right path for me. I discovered a career path and how much I actually love school.

  2. I can do and travel where ever I want by myself. I can live in a different country without my significant other holding me back.

  3. I have trouble understanding my friends and their relationships because I am single. I am also slightly biased to being single.

  4. Relationships take too much thought and thinking. I do enough of that as a college student, thank you, but no thank you.

  5. School is so much easier when you don’t have boys or girls on your mind.

  6. No matter how many years you have on “the boyfriend,” the best friend will always be placed second. Its a truth I still have a hard time accepting. “Chicks before dicks” and “Bro’s before ho’s” is not a real thing (Most of the time!).

  7. Being the third wheel sucks and is awkward, but yet you always get stuck as the third wheel, because you love your friends.

  8.  And everyone tells me that I am single because I am so picky, but F*** that. I have every right to be picky, and I am glad that I am picky. Because I won’t settle for a guy I kind of like. I want a guy I really like. :]]

  9. I have a perfect image in my head of love and I know its not going to be like that, but I am hopelessly waiting for it.

  10. Once I threw boys out of my life, I found happiness. True happiness. I can’t emphasis this enough. Without guys I found what I wanted and what was going to make me happy. Which doesn’t mean I want boys out of my life forever, but some time without them was needed.

So my advice. Find yourself before you find a life with someone else.

And yes, every relationship is different and this may not always be true, but its a good start if you don’t know where you want to go in life. So pack your bags and head to a different country, or enroll in a cool class, or talk about your future with others. Then you will realize what it is you want.

The Life as the Third Wheeler can be pretty awesome.

At Last,